WHY MEN WITH PROSTATE CANCER OFTEN MAKE BETTER LOVERS

Some recommendations which can make a difference to relationships. A summary of positive guidelines taken from over 50 case histories.

It is always a great shock to a man when prostate, or any form of cancer is diagnosed. His partner, also has a similar experience and also has to somehow accept and adjust to some life changes when the news is received. It is a testing time for any long term relationship.

Through much negative publicity, prostate cancer is often linked to incontinence and impotency and many men become so concerned about this that they may delay or even refuse treatment. There can be erection problems during or after cancer treatments but medical procedures are improving all the time and some of these problems may be only temporary. Contrary to the rumours and apprehension, few seem to know that a man with even a slight erection, and no sperm at all, can still usually have an orgasm and a regular sex life.Many case histories indicate that with more knowledge about prostate cancer and taking the time to focus on his partner, plus learning more about sex and alternative measures, a man may turn out to be even better as a partner and lover, than he was before.

Seven basic essentials for survival: And most apply to both partners. Perhaps adopting a combination of the following often tried and tested suggestions, may assist recovery and encourage keeping in a state of mind which generates a feeling of well being. Each individual can take from these leads, what he or she feels comfortable with. The sexual detail may be rather too explicit for some readers but this article is from talks directed towards people attending cancer support groups or searching for support. Some men and women are so shy that they are not able to speak to anyone. Given enough basic detail to follow, they will not have to, and after reading this, may be able to make more progress and enjoy life more.

1. Affection and staying close: Not everyone is interested in sex, and prostate cancer generally presents in older men when sex drive varies considerably depending on many health and personal factors. However, couples who consciously work to become more affectionate towards each other and face the problems together, seem to have greater success towards leading a happier life. Communication is the key. Not everyone is good at it but it is a must and with practice and determination, one can learn to talk and express emotions and fears to a partner.

Single men, who find a close friend or experienced counsellor to talk to about their experience, often find that after a few months, they can continue dating and enjoying themselves with the knowledge and the confidence of being able to operate sexually, if they wish to.

Many women, especially after about 50, and if post menopausal and in a long term relationship, truly enjoy affection and attention - sex too, but having less sex is easily compensated for, providing they receive more focus from their partner and small but frequent acts which demonstrate that he cares. At this stage every cuddle does not necessarily have to lead to sex and some women appreciate this. For those still interested in sex, the ability to talk openly and frankly with one's partner about anything to do with sex is essential. It is amazing how many couples go through life without being able to discuss their more intimate experiences, problems and desires together. It might be a little uncomfortable at first to adjust to being more open, but it can be amazingly rewarding.

Hugging more often is a great comfort to most humans, especially in times of trouble and although men automatically tend to focus inwards when stressed, a couple should be aware that turning away can become a habit and should try to do more of the opposite. It is time to think about maintaining the relationship and this is so much easier to do if they stay close physically. Hugs help. It also often means much to a man if his partner takes a great interest in everything that happens. The man usually becomes more focused on his health, and especially his penis, when he is diagnosed with prostate cancer. It can be a great threat to his evaluation of himself as a man and everything goes so much better, if he is encouraged and reassured by his partner and can share his changing thoughts and emotions with that person. Quite a few men have written or spoken to me stating that they still feel bad about the way they treated their partners earlier on, after they were diagnosed and whilst they were really battling to come to terms with their fears and feelings of not being in control of a situation.

Particularly in the six months following diagnosis and treatment. In the right environment, with this support, most men adapt very quickly to this uncharted situation. It helps if every small improvement is shared and celebrated. Or if there is a stage of slow or no improvement, the partner helps to analyse why this is the case and assists to find ways to improve the situation, or provides ideas to help both of them focus on other things, to provide distractions to ease away these concerns. The body takes time to heal and one needs to understand this.

In this day and age, it is rare for a man to be left incontinent following removal of the prostate. Where men have opted for this procedure, pelvic floor exercises are usually done regularly before and after surgery. This really helps to strengthen muscle control to prevent incontinence . Men easily forget, and it helps if a partner keeps check. Meal times are a good reminder for single men. Exercises every mealtime before starting to eat! These exercises are essential and must be done correctly. One should ask to see an incontinence expert soon after surgery or treatment, if bladder control is not improving after a few weeks. You may be tensing up anal muscles instead of the ones that support bladder control. They are in close proximity and can be confused. This will not strengthen the bladder control area. Some good surgeons ensure that formal incontinence counselling is part of the post operative programme. Some do not and it is a very important part of early recovery.

Going back to normal bladder control can be a slow process for some and men usually expect it to happen overnight . Progress should be measured weekly or fortnightly and not daily! Again, there is no need to stress as these days there are many procedures in reserve if they are needed. Recovery can be within a month or take a few months. Wearing a pad for a while should not be regarded as too serious. Women are forced to cope with this sort of thing from puberty to menopause!

After surgery step by step instructions are given about how to make sure that the genital area is given the best chance to recover. Keeping the circulation going is also very important and the surgeon or nurse usually give adequate instructions about how this can be achieved. Purchasing a vacuum pump is just one positive way to encourage blood to flow around the genital area to encourage faster recovery. Anything from gentle massage to prescribed pills will assist.
Erections are controlled by a complex system of nerves, and the severity of the cancer - and skill of the medic treating the person - often govern how many of these nerves can be spared. The Seminal vesicles which produce sperm are often sacrificed during a prostate removal procedure, and ejaculation will no longer happen. However orgasm should still be achievable but with little or no fluid. A couple can soon adapt to this difference.

Normal erections may take time and with older men, recovery can be slow. In some cases, due to other medical conditions, functional erections never return, but even this is not necessarily the end of a sex life. A man often does not realise that a female partner may not be all that disappointed if he cannot achieve impressive erections. Although he may feel different, he has not really changed at all, and most women do not regard it any more seriously than if he broke his arm and could not use it quite the same afterwards. As long as he does not change in behaviour, communicates his feelings, stays good company, and pays attention to her physical needs, most women will remain contented and happy to work through the situation.

Partners need to understand that men who have erectile problems need much more encouragement and praise, as they often feel very different, even unmanly and vulnerable for a while, whilst they adjust. They will eventually realise by gaining more knowledge and renewing their confidence, that not much has changed after all. They may need help from the partner to discover that there is plenty of support and assistance available within reach, to help their situation and all that they have to do is look or ask for it.

Where couples turn away from each other and he becomes quiet and withdrawn, or short- tempered and grumpy, or she takes no interest in what he is going through, their wedding vows soon become lost forever and this can lead to separations and depression and no quality of life as a couple.

The closest person to us is often the easiest one to turn on in frustration when we are going through a crisis. Behaviour patterns develop quickly, so although it is difficult to do, if one partner behaves in this manner, it should be pointed out gently and discussed early - before it becomes the norm! Once behaviour develops into habit it is much more difficult to change.

2. Normal routine and starting new ventures: Life needs to get back to normal as soon as possible. By returning to the things which were regularly done before, at work or at home, recovery is much faster for any medical condition. However, now is also the time to take up projects or pastimes which keep both partners from dwelling too much on health, and what can sometimes seem a slow recovery. By looking ahead and having things to look forward to, life soon becomes progressive and more positive.

3. A Healthy diet and exercise: There are books and articles everywhere on this and both are essential. Preferably a small amount of five fruit and five different vegetables daily and the more variety of other foods eaten with these, the better. Animal fat and dairy products to the minimum. Alcohol and caffeine too. (Hopefully a little of what one cannot resist, cannot do too much harm!) Asparagus daily, red coloured fruits and vegetables (chillies good but not capsicum), brazil nuts, blueberries, water melon, cooked tomato - these all seem to contain special diet minerals and enzymes which promote good health.

Exercise is good for circulation and is essential. Men on hormone blocking treatment will lose muscle tone but this can be built up again by using light weights. There are many fitness experts to consult. Even a short brisk walk can relieve built up tension. Exercise is one of nature's best tranquilizers.

4. Vitamins: Often the drugs prescribed cause other medical conditions. The hormone suppression treatment for prostate cancer can cause tiredness, anaemia and bone loss and rather than allowing this to happen, one can be proactive and take advice from experts in health shops and take, for example, vitamin B12, calcium, magnesium and extra vitamin D, plus the more concentrated quality fish oil capsules, regularly, to counteract the side effects of the medications. It is worth having regular blood tests to monitor that the blood is showing no deficiencies. (Sometimes your GP has to be reminded to do this.) Ganoderma mushroom spores, phytoplankton, multi vitamins and other immune boosting products are taken by those who believe that they help. Read up on these things. Most are beneficial in some way. Small regular amounts are usually better than a huge amount every now and then.

5. Meditation: This age old treatment for relaxation and mind control is well worth exploring. It was invented long before medicines and drugs came along and once mastered, can be a powerful healing process, especially towards peace of mind. There are books and DVDs and tapes widely available. This could be a new hobby to explore.

6. Good Lovers: For those interested in sex, they say a good lover gives and takes sexual pleasure. Successful female same sex relationships confirm that one does not even need to have a male organ to be able to do this...

Age and mental adjustment are two influencing factors. There is no reason for a man to give up being positive through this experience, especially if he has an enthusiastic and interested partner but quite a few do struggle at the beginning.

Depending on his personal attitude, if a man is not happy with his erections, some months after treatment, he is able to have pills or apply tiny injections which are designed to improve them and another choice is an operation which advertises to assure an erection at the press of a button, with a release valve for when it is no longer required. The writer met a couple at a prostate cancer conference who were boasting proudly about the great success of this implant.

Some men would not even consider this type of procedure and would prefer to learn about more simple methods, such as using other parts of their body or applying battery operated gadgets. This is easier for the man who is already an innovative lover who has explored a variety of possibilities in the bedroom since becoming an adult. All it takes at any age, is the will to explore and experiment. Possibly something some men or women may never have had to do before - because there was never the need.

Besides all the different ways to make love that one can read and learn about in books, we live in a world of sex aids in all shapes and forms which to some without an uninhibited outlook might seem 'dirty'. However, most of these have been carefully developed and manufactured to give people the utmost fulfilment in their sex lives without exceeding normal bounds. These gadgets are inexpensive and easy to find, and make a sex life varied and interesting. One can make a discreet appointment with the Manager of an adult shop - they are trained to help people with sexual problems- and be shown what is available, or order from a catalogue. Then it is a case of experimenting with a partner, or alone. Remember younger times when it had been a long busy day, the children were at last in bed and you were both really needing sex but were too tired? Well these days, there are some excellent vibrators and other adult toys that soon speed up foreplay and make the process more diverse, and more fun! There seems to be no harm in more seasoned adults taking an interest in these inventions, if they still have the urge to do so.
Vibrators were invented in Victorian times to treat women suffering from depression. Those Victorians were well ahead of their time with a few things!

Vibrators are only recently publically talked about and are now becoming popular and fashionable. They work very well for men as well as women. The penis requires to be at least slightly semi-erect. This can usually be achieved by holding the base of the penis quite tightly and squeezing the blood into the area, making the glans quite firm. Satisfactory orgasms are very achievable when a strong vibrator is applied to the glans, at the base of the head of the penis, at the right speed. There is pleasure in store for those who have an interest in these products. The surgeon will give guidance as to when it is best to start sexual activity after treatment. Usually, the body tells the mind that it has healed enough and it soon objects by indicating pain, if it is too soon to start. A single, relatively younger man who had opted for prostate surgery, reported that soon after his operation, he used an elastic band not too tightly round the base of the penis and a standard type of vibrator to encourage erections and blood flow. He was very keen to start dating again. He had investigated certain types of strap on apparatus which fit over the penis and by all accounts feel very similar to the real thing to a female partner. He was also experimenting with the tiny injections with success. Only six months after the operation, he was positively improving all the time - and confident enough to have started dating .

The above applications all seem to assist towards a balanced and positive recovery from prostate cancer - or some guidelines towards living with it - and men do have the opportunity to take the positive approach and become better lovers and companions post diagnosis. The writer is a certified counsellor with no medical training but has spent the last 13 years, often for months in discussion and support with individuals and couples as they go through this uninvited life experience, similar to her own, which started when her husband was first diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer. Much of the above has been tested or passed on by others who are on a very similar journey. There is so much information available if one is in need of assistance, which was not available even 5 years ago. One only has to look for it.

7. Comedy and play Adults under stress often tend to forget how wonderful it is to be able to have a good laugh and may hardly recall the freedom and fun of youth. It has always been said that couples who play together, stay together. I have left this point until last because it is probably the most difficult to work at. A good laugh is probably the most healing thing to experience, at least mentally and there is evidence emerging that indicates that it can be of physical benefit too.

Try to watch plenty of comedy and start to look for that comical side of our make up. If you dig deep enough, there is always something to be playful about. One may feel more attracted to the darker and more ironical things to laugh at but this is OK too. Laughing is an outlet and working on it is just another healthy therapy.

Anyone reading this is encouraged to take heart and make the most of this new life challenge. Talk to the person closest to you and communicate often about how you feel . Read and research whatever you can, to become familiar with what you are dealing with. Then you will understand it. Understanding takes much out of the fear of the unknown. Work together to discover ways to make the most of each situation as it evolves. This could possibly be the best way to weather this experience together successfully. I know from experience that it can be done....

It is not the experiences we have in life that are as valid as the way in which we handle them.

Go well......

Written by Roz Baker - Relationship Mentor -voluntary support (PCFA Board Western Australia) 2011.

Roz's husband Anthony has his story here.