Todd
Seals and Amanda live in Washington, USA. He was 42 when he was diagnosed on June
6, 2006. His initial PSA was 3,216.12 ng/ml, his Gleason Score was 3+4=7 and he
was staged T4. His choice of treatment was ADT (Androgen Deprivation Therapy).
Here is his story.
I will never forget the day. I was at work 120 ft in
the air on a catwalk, I am a pipe fitter by trade and spend a great deal of my
time on cat walks and pipe bridges, when my cell phone rang. For several months
I had been feeling poorly. I had lower back pain running down my legs that would
not allow me to sleep without taking 4 Vicodin or any other pain pill I could
get my hands on. I had a terrible cough that would not go away. I could barely
pee without watering the waste basket, the toilet paper dispenser and the cat
if it happened to come in the bathroom at the wrong time. Just recently every
time I drank a Pepsi Cola I urinated a lot of blood. I knew something was wrong
but I didn't want to know so I avoided the doctor and quit drinking Pepsi. After
much counsel from my parents I went in to pee in a cup to see what was wrong.
Two weeks passed I heard nothing. Finally my primary care physician called
me to inform me that I had blood in my urine. DUH!!!!! I went in and he listened
to my chest and took an x-ray. Hey doc are my lungs suppose to have all these
spots on them? Blood work was ordered and the next day I got the call. June 6
2006, 666 to you and me. "Mr Seals this is doctor. Sir, you have stage 4 prostate
cancer. No sir, there is no doubt. Your PSA was over 3,200. Yes sir, that's real
bad. Yes sir, it may very well be terminal." "Oh $&!^ .", says
I and I almost fell off the cat walk.
My world came crashing down around
me. I was going to die. What the H E double toothpick. Prostate cancer is an old
man's disease. Two hours later I had my first Lupron injection and took my first
Casodex. I was 42 years old and given less than a year to live. A nurse had just
used a dull turkey baster to fill my butt full of thick glue and I swear she tried
to inject it into the bone. I was at an all time low. I was gonna freaking die
before the age of 50. I use to be real involved in the church. Not for a very
long time. I was a twice divorced, an ex junky, ( I had spent the three previous
years addicted to methamphetamine and had only been clean 10 months.) I had lost
everything I ever valued and had just begun putting my life back together. I had
a wonderful girlfriend who I really was in love with and my children were only
just now allowing me back into their lives. I had two beautiful granddaughters
and another on the way. I going to die. That's all I could think of. My life is
over.
I live in a semi rural part of Washington State. Two miles from
town the houses yield to dense forests and tree farms. On my way home that day
I drove up an old dirt road and parked on a landing overlooking a recently logged
hillside. From my vantage point I could see the valley below for miles. It was
there that it all came to a head for me and I broke. Just a few tears at first
sort of a 'poor me' cry but it grew to a heart wrenching sob. I cried for my mistakes
and for the broken promises. I cried for my children and my parents. I cried for
the people I had hurt and the ones I had let down. I cried for me and I cried
because I had never felt more alone and lost. What was it going to be like to
take my last breath. Would it hurt. Dear God I don't want to die there is so much
left undone and so much I want to see. An hour later it was over. I had no more
tears. I was both cleansed and spent. I sat for a while and took in all that was
around me. I heard the birds. Gosh they sounded pretty. It was then that it happened.
A
black bear wanders up the hillside and stops 20 ft from me and just looks at me.
I have hunted wild game my whole life and had never seen a bear in the wild. I
had always wanted to see one but never had. Maybe I smelled bad or made too much
noise in the woods I really don't know but here is this bear just looking at me.
After a minute he just wandered off. I went home and read my bible for the first
time in a long time. I didn't know what I was going to read other than I wanted
to read the Book of Psalms cuz its full of praise God this and that and I figured
I needed that. I opened the book to psalms and closed my eyes and pointed and
looked above my finger and for the very first time I read these words. "Bless
the lord oh my soul. He who heals my body of all its diseases." Psalms 103
WOW!!!!!!!!!!! That was good enough for me.
That was four and a half years
ago. I still have stage 4 prostate cancer. My PSA fell to less than 0.05 and stayed
there long enough to have a break from hormones. My scans showed no sign of cancer.
Its still there. My PSA is up to 6.0 as of 3 weeks ago. My doctors still say I
don't have much time. "Mr. Seals, the day will come when we won't be able to
control it anymore." "Really," I say, "You're fired. Don't ever
tell me the odds. He who is within me is greater than he who is in the world.
"
I am not a good Christian man. I drink and sometimes I drink too
much. Sometimes I lie and sometimes I smoke. I play country music in honky tonks
and have had my fair share of fornication and adultery. I have lusted after many
women. I have been a real pig at times. My girlfriend who became my wife ended
all of that the day she told me she would love me forever. I could never hurt
her. I have never known a woman who could hold a candle to her. On the other side
of the coin I do my best to be a good friend. I do my best to help others. I have
a soft heart. I try to love people and I do my best to never judge.
Looking
back on that very bad day I now see it for what it really was. It was a promise.
That bear was God letting me know that he was not going to call me home until
I had seen all the things and done all of the things that I wanted to do. He is
the only reason I am here.
I know this is not a religious site and really
I am not a religious man but I believe this to be true with all my heart and believing
it gives me hope. In telling this story I pray it can give others hope. We battle
on We fight the fight. We get tired and want to give up. We wake up and we fight
again. Prostate cancer is scary. I am no longer afraid. I pray that you may also
find peace.
Todd
I
am still here and doing pretty good. My last PSA a month ago was 10.55. That is
up quite a bit from last year but i haven't been on any treatment until just recently.
I still feel good and I plan on being around for a long time to come.
Todd
.
Todd's e-mail address is: woodandwire63@yahoo.com
